From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
