It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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