Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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