Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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