I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Pants are for mortals
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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