please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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