I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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