I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
