i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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