I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
