in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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