I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
