Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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