I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
