They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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