I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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