So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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