Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
