My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
