There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
