we have pet lesbian snakes
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
