i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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