Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Who died my cat blue again?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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