You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
