i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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