Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
