Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
