Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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