i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
