Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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