The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
