She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
