"it" just moved
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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