I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
if i can run in heels then i can drive
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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