while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
