I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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