He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
