I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
