he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I still have a little drunk in my system
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
