never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
