I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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