The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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