how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
