Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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