Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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