I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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