oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
