I should be sponsored by Trojan
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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