Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
