remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
