Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
