what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
