She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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