at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
